Take a Chance
Take a Chance was written by myself and a friend. It was meant to portray (and parody, to some extent) the number of people in the 1920s who tried and failed to make their living in show business.
Scene 1 — A figure cartwheels, representing a carnival, a few others watch innocently, clapping. Then two figures appear behind the innocent viewers of the circus. Unnoticed, they pickpocket the watchers and leave smiling smugly. The carnival girl leaves and the viewers leave as well. The pickpockets return. Commence goofy monologues.
Duke: What did you get?
Louie: Umm, a dollar. What about you?
Duke: A toy rabbit. I hate this job.
Louie: You know what I’ve always wanted to do?
Duke: Yeah?
Louie: Go into show biz.
Duke: Me too!
Louie: I think we should go to Broadway, where we can perform on the streets, and then get picked up by a talent scout.
Duke: Sounds good to me! At least it’ll be better than getting these toys all the time. You know I have a pile of these rabbits. I have almost 700. I like them a lot.
Louie: I don’t exactly care about your toy collection. Personally, I think it’s unhealthy, mooching off of seven year olds. We should go.
Duke: (sniffling) Fine. I’ll pack them all up. It’ll take a couple minutes, ‘cuz I have to make sure they’re all comfortable.
Louie: (rolling his eyes) Well, try to take under an hour. Okay?
Duke: What should I name this new one?
Louie: (Sighs Loudly)
Scene 2 — a Broadway Avenue- Duke and Louie are singing loudly and off-key. Toni and Kenneth appear and watch until the end of the song. Toni shouts a greeting.
Duke: Toni! How are you? And who’s this?
Kenneth: My name is Kenneth Raleigh. Educated at Harvard University, majored in Advanced Composition. Minored in British Literature and American Litera--
Toni: He’s my boyfriend. Talks too much. Try to ignore him.
Kenneth: That was a sentence fragment, dear. You should try to mind your sentence structures and your pronunciation please.
Louie: Well, anyway, what are you doing here?
Toni: Scouting for Show Biz. What about you?
Kenneth: Sentence Fragment! Watch your language!
Duke: We’re scouting for show biz too!
Louie: But so far no luck.
Toni: Well, we’re about to check out that night club over there. Supposedly there’s a talent scout there.
Louie: Sounds good. Can we come? Duke, why are you on the ground?
Duke: Fluffy and Knuffle Bunny are complaining. I have to make them more comfortable.
Louie: Lets go, Toni.
Scene 3 — a night club. People dancing, etc. Wanda is on the side. Has a ‘cool’ aura.
Toni: Look, that looks like her! Kenneth, are you feeling okay?
Kenneth: Nooo. This place makes me abundantly, conspicuously, eminently, emphatically, enormously, exceedingly, exceptionally, extremely, famously, glaringly, highly, hugely, immeasurably, immensely, incalculably, incomparably, incredibly, infinitely, inimitably, intensely, largely, markedly, mightily uncomfortable.
Duke: Cottontail doesn’t understand your language.
Louie: Is it possible for you to quit talking about your rabbits as if they were real?
Duke: Shush! Wonderful rabbits, I still believe in your existence!
Toni: Come on guys!
They cross to Wanda.
Wanda: What do we have here?
Toni: Talented young people, ready to break onto the stage!
They assume a pose. Wanda laughs.
Wanda: Well, normally, I’d tell you to go jump off a cliff, but you made me laugh.
Kenneth: Jump off a cliff?
Toni: Sarcasm, Kenneth. Please try to not take things so literally.
Kenneth mutters darkly about sarcasm.
Wanda: I’ll try you out.
Toni: Wow, thank you!
Wanda: Your test will be that tomorrow night, you’ll be up on stage, performing a song and dance number.
Toni: Um, okay.
Wanda: I have some apartments, you can stay in them for a night, I’ll charge 50 cents each.
Toni: Deal. And if you don’t like the song and dance?
Wanda: Then you’ll go jump off a cliff.
Kenneth: Was that sarcasm, Toni?
Toni: (sarcastically) No Kenneth, she was totally serious.
Kenneth: What?
Louie: I think that would be our cue to go. Thank you, Wanda.
Wanda: Only friends call me Wanda. Call me Ms. Brill.
Louie: Well, thank you, Ms. Brill.
Wanda: Go and practice.
Scene 4 — a room. The 4 “stars” are sitting in a circle, discussing what they should sing.
Louie: I refuse to sing.
Toni: I’ll sing!
Kenneth: I think I’ll be at the back. Do we need sets?
Duke: Flopsy and Mopsy can sing!
Louie: Toni will sing. I’ll dance with Duke and Kenneth.
Duke: What about Flopsy and Mopsy?
Toni: Duke, relax.
Scene 5 — the nightclub- The “stars” are getting ready to perform.
Wanda: Okay, time to open up. You four, places!
Toni: Okay!
They assume a pose, ready to perform. Lights start shining brightly, people clap.
Toni: Hi everyone! Are you ready to be amazed? Tonight we’ll be performing the song “Elsie was a L-l-l-lady”. Please enj-j-joy.
Suddenly, Duke is overcome by stage fright. He shouts loudly.
Duke: I need to check on my rabbits! They’re crying upstairs without their daddy!
Louie: (Stagefright) Me too! I’ll go feed them lettuce, or... what ever stuffed rabbits like to eat!
They rush off.
Toni: Wait! Guys! (She turns to Kenneth) Are you going to sing with me?
Kenneth: I forgot how to spell “because”! (He runs off the stage shouting:) B-E-A- no!
Toni: Um, I’m sorry folks, the ah, performance tonight is um, cancelled!
She runs off.
Scene 6 —The nightclub, later that night
Wanda: You’re fired. You made complete fools of yourselves and my club!
Toni: I’m sorry.
Wanda: Leave, please.
Scene 7 — Louie and Duke are back on the street
Louie: Toni and Kenneth went back to work. What should we do?
Duke: I don’t know. I need a place to put all these rabbits soon.
Louie: I’ve had enough with your rabbits!
Duke: I love my rabbits!
Louie: You sound like a 7 year old....Wait a minute... I got it!
Duke: What?
Louie: We’re opening a toy shop, specializing in toy rabbits!
Duke: But they’re MY RABBITS!
Louie: Do you remember all 700 of their names?
Duke: Of course I do. Want me to list them? There’s Knuffle Bunny, Fluffy, Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail, Peter...
Louie: Keep going.
Duke: Umm, I know this... It’s um... Bunny?... no...
Louie: Keep going!
Duke: I can’t. (Hangs head in shame)
Louie: All the more reason why you should get rid of some.
Duke: How about I’ll let you sell them all if you give me as much candy as I want?
Louie: Fine, if you let me be the boss!
Duke: Will I be paid in candy?
Louie: Sure, but I can be boss?
Duke: As long as I get candy.
Louie: Fine. First order as boss, no candy allowed within a 500 foot radius from the shop.
Duke: What is that? Is it like a tangent?
Louie: I think we’d better just go, okay?
Duke: Okay...Can I say the end?
Louie: You just did.
Duke: THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(They wave. Lights fall. Bow)
Duke: What did you get?
Louie: Umm, a dollar. What about you?
Duke: A toy rabbit. I hate this job.
Louie: You know what I’ve always wanted to do?
Duke: Yeah?
Louie: Go into show biz.
Duke: Me too!
Louie: I think we should go to Broadway, where we can perform on the streets, and then get picked up by a talent scout.
Duke: Sounds good to me! At least it’ll be better than getting these toys all the time. You know I have a pile of these rabbits. I have almost 700. I like them a lot.
Louie: I don’t exactly care about your toy collection. Personally, I think it’s unhealthy, mooching off of seven year olds. We should go.
Duke: (sniffling) Fine. I’ll pack them all up. It’ll take a couple minutes, ‘cuz I have to make sure they’re all comfortable.
Louie: (rolling his eyes) Well, try to take under an hour. Okay?
Duke: What should I name this new one?
Louie: (Sighs Loudly)
Scene 2 — a Broadway Avenue- Duke and Louie are singing loudly and off-key. Toni and Kenneth appear and watch until the end of the song. Toni shouts a greeting.
Duke: Toni! How are you? And who’s this?
Kenneth: My name is Kenneth Raleigh. Educated at Harvard University, majored in Advanced Composition. Minored in British Literature and American Litera--
Toni: He’s my boyfriend. Talks too much. Try to ignore him.
Kenneth: That was a sentence fragment, dear. You should try to mind your sentence structures and your pronunciation please.
Louie: Well, anyway, what are you doing here?
Toni: Scouting for Show Biz. What about you?
Kenneth: Sentence Fragment! Watch your language!
Duke: We’re scouting for show biz too!
Louie: But so far no luck.
Toni: Well, we’re about to check out that night club over there. Supposedly there’s a talent scout there.
Louie: Sounds good. Can we come? Duke, why are you on the ground?
Duke: Fluffy and Knuffle Bunny are complaining. I have to make them more comfortable.
Louie: Lets go, Toni.
Scene 3 — a night club. People dancing, etc. Wanda is on the side. Has a ‘cool’ aura.
Toni: Look, that looks like her! Kenneth, are you feeling okay?
Kenneth: Nooo. This place makes me abundantly, conspicuously, eminently, emphatically, enormously, exceedingly, exceptionally, extremely, famously, glaringly, highly, hugely, immeasurably, immensely, incalculably, incomparably, incredibly, infinitely, inimitably, intensely, largely, markedly, mightily uncomfortable.
Duke: Cottontail doesn’t understand your language.
Louie: Is it possible for you to quit talking about your rabbits as if they were real?
Duke: Shush! Wonderful rabbits, I still believe in your existence!
Toni: Come on guys!
They cross to Wanda.
Wanda: What do we have here?
Toni: Talented young people, ready to break onto the stage!
They assume a pose. Wanda laughs.
Wanda: Well, normally, I’d tell you to go jump off a cliff, but you made me laugh.
Kenneth: Jump off a cliff?
Toni: Sarcasm, Kenneth. Please try to not take things so literally.
Kenneth mutters darkly about sarcasm.
Wanda: I’ll try you out.
Toni: Wow, thank you!
Wanda: Your test will be that tomorrow night, you’ll be up on stage, performing a song and dance number.
Toni: Um, okay.
Wanda: I have some apartments, you can stay in them for a night, I’ll charge 50 cents each.
Toni: Deal. And if you don’t like the song and dance?
Wanda: Then you’ll go jump off a cliff.
Kenneth: Was that sarcasm, Toni?
Toni: (sarcastically) No Kenneth, she was totally serious.
Kenneth: What?
Louie: I think that would be our cue to go. Thank you, Wanda.
Wanda: Only friends call me Wanda. Call me Ms. Brill.
Louie: Well, thank you, Ms. Brill.
Wanda: Go and practice.
Scene 4 — a room. The 4 “stars” are sitting in a circle, discussing what they should sing.
Louie: I refuse to sing.
Toni: I’ll sing!
Kenneth: I think I’ll be at the back. Do we need sets?
Duke: Flopsy and Mopsy can sing!
Louie: Toni will sing. I’ll dance with Duke and Kenneth.
Duke: What about Flopsy and Mopsy?
Toni: Duke, relax.
Scene 5 — the nightclub- The “stars” are getting ready to perform.
Wanda: Okay, time to open up. You four, places!
Toni: Okay!
They assume a pose, ready to perform. Lights start shining brightly, people clap.
Toni: Hi everyone! Are you ready to be amazed? Tonight we’ll be performing the song “Elsie was a L-l-l-lady”. Please enj-j-joy.
Suddenly, Duke is overcome by stage fright. He shouts loudly.
Duke: I need to check on my rabbits! They’re crying upstairs without their daddy!
Louie: (Stagefright) Me too! I’ll go feed them lettuce, or... what ever stuffed rabbits like to eat!
They rush off.
Toni: Wait! Guys! (She turns to Kenneth) Are you going to sing with me?
Kenneth: I forgot how to spell “because”! (He runs off the stage shouting:) B-E-A- no!
Toni: Um, I’m sorry folks, the ah, performance tonight is um, cancelled!
She runs off.
Scene 6 —The nightclub, later that night
Wanda: You’re fired. You made complete fools of yourselves and my club!
Toni: I’m sorry.
Wanda: Leave, please.
Scene 7 — Louie and Duke are back on the street
Louie: Toni and Kenneth went back to work. What should we do?
Duke: I don’t know. I need a place to put all these rabbits soon.
Louie: I’ve had enough with your rabbits!
Duke: I love my rabbits!
Louie: You sound like a 7 year old....Wait a minute... I got it!
Duke: What?
Louie: We’re opening a toy shop, specializing in toy rabbits!
Duke: But they’re MY RABBITS!
Louie: Do you remember all 700 of their names?
Duke: Of course I do. Want me to list them? There’s Knuffle Bunny, Fluffy, Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail, Peter...
Louie: Keep going.
Duke: Umm, I know this... It’s um... Bunny?... no...
Louie: Keep going!
Duke: I can’t. (Hangs head in shame)
Louie: All the more reason why you should get rid of some.
Duke: How about I’ll let you sell them all if you give me as much candy as I want?
Louie: Fine, if you let me be the boss!
Duke: Will I be paid in candy?
Louie: Sure, but I can be boss?
Duke: As long as I get candy.
Louie: Fine. First order as boss, no candy allowed within a 500 foot radius from the shop.
Duke: What is that? Is it like a tangent?
Louie: I think we’d better just go, okay?
Duke: Okay...Can I say the end?
Louie: You just did.
Duke: THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(They wave. Lights fall. Bow)