A Fairytale
Denial
Silence stretched like a rubber band, perilously close to snapping. Elodie hoped she wouldn’t get hurt.
“God, this is so awkward.” Elodie looked at the carpet, at the ceiling, anywhere to avoid looking at the other girl. (Kadian getting up, politely saying she has to do something else, be anywhere else but this silent place.)
“Shush,” said Kadian, who was lying on her back, head propped up by a stuffed animal. “I’m trying to think of a good, open-ended question to ask you.”
“God, sorry, okay.” Elodie grimaced at her, but she didn’t notice.
Silence drifted over them again, less awkward this time. Kadian watched the ceiling and Elodie watched Kadian. She was very, very cute. (Kadian and Elodie on their first date, watching a movie, holding hands, a kiss in the darkness.)
“Okay, here’s one.” Kadian didn’t seem to have any fear of breaking silences. “What kinds of things make you happy?”
“That’s a dumb question.” Elodie laughed a weird, harsh kind of laugh and immediately regretted it. (Kadian frowning, eyes narrowing, getting up, saying she has better things to do than be here with someone who thinks she’s dumb.)
“No it’s not.” Kadian seemed undeterred. “Not big things that make you happy, just little things. Like me, I like hot air balloons and stars. And sunny weather and being warm.”
Elodie felt like her heart had just grown three sizes. “Oh my God, you’re adorable.” (Kadian and Elodie on their not-first date, kissing and kissing and kissing…)
“Not really.” Kadian’s ears were a lot redder than they had been a minute ago. “Name some stuff!”
“Right, okay.” Elodie racked her brain for happy things, but it was so hard to find them. (Kadian leaving, telling me we’re too different after all, this could never have worked.)
After a minute, Kadian laughed. “Do you really hate everything that much?”
“Yes.” It was only half a joke.
“There must be something.”
Something. Anything. Anything to make this girl happy. “I like, uh, dreary weather. I hate sunny weather.”
“Hey now. We’re keeping it positive.” Elodie could hear the smile in Kadian’s voice. “I like dreary weather, too, though!”
And then she saw the smile when Kadian turned to meet her eyes, and it was bright enough to shake the foundations of Elodie’s hatred of the sun.
“I also like abandoned places,” said Elodie, inspired by the smile, “and scary movies, and witchcraft. That’s probably weird. But it’s true.”
“You’re like—” Kadian paused. “You’re like a fairytale character.”
“Oh no,” said Elodie, thinking of princesses and glass slippers, “which one?”
“No,” said Kadian, “you’re like your own fairytale character. One that doesn’t exist yet, out of a creepy story about fairies and magic.”
“Oh,” said Elodie, and just like that, her heart was no longer her own. “I think that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me,” she managed, once she remembered how to speak. (Kadian and I, walking hand in hand, everyone wondering how such a perfect and beautiful girl could love someone like me, but it’s true, she chose me and she loves me more than anything in the world.)
Bargaining
“I love you more than anything in the world,” said Elodie, the darkness a handy cover for emotion.
Silence.
“That’s a lie,” said Kadian sleepily. “You definitely love cats more than you love me.”
Elodie was startled into laughter. “Fine,” she said, “I love you more than a lot of things in the world.” She snuggled closer to the other girl.
A pause.
“Do you love me?” asked Elodie.
“Of course,” said Kadian. “Of course I do.”
(Kadian and Elodie, in love. They’ll be in love forever because that’s how it works when a magical girl comes from out of nowhere, filled with happiness and light. We’ll live happily ever after, like the fairytales we are.)
“We should go on a date,” Elodie said.
“This doesn’t count?”
“No, a real date. Where we go somewhere fun together. And have fun.”
“Sounds like a plan,” Kadian laughed. “What’s your ideal date?”
“We’d go to the movies. And then to bed.”
“That’s boring,” said Kadian.
“I’d make it not boring,” Elodie said, seductively wiggling her eyebrows up and down, as if Kadian could tell in the darkness.
“Gross.”
“What a weirdo.” Elodie laughed.
“If anyone’s the weird one here, it’s you.” Kadian poked Elodie in the side. “Now go to sleep. We have work in the morning.”
(Kadian and Elodie, going on a date. Holding hands, kissing. Later, other things. They’re in love. They’re in love. They’re in love.)
Kadian’s breathing grew even and slow. Elodie pressed herself close.
“Don’t ever leave me,” said Elodie. “I think I would die.”
Depression
“Hey,” said Elodie. “You haven’t talked to me in a couple days.”
“Sorry,” said Kadian, who meant to sound sorrier than the word came out, but now there was no help for it. “I’ve been sort of busy.”
“Right.” Elodie nodded.
Kadian watched her face grow dark, like the other girl was upset at her for having a life outside the relationship. “I really am sorry,” Kadian reached out a hand. “But I can only say it three times max without sounding like a broken record.”
“I just don’t feel like you’re taking this as seriously as I am.”
Kadian narrowed her eyes, recalling the hours she’d spent talking to Elodie about her problems, consoling Elodie when she was sad, putting Elodie in front of herself. “Hmm,” she said, but thought Maybe I’m taking this too seriously.
“I can’t go for days without hearing from you,” said Elodie, her face a mask of anger and despair. “I love you too much.”
“Okay,” Kadian said, but thought I want to be able to not talk to you. You shouldn’t wonder whether or not I still love you.
“What are you going to do to make up for it?” Elodie asked, and Kadian bristled.
“I’ve already apologized.”
“Well, I don’t feel like that really mends the problem.”
Kadian didn’t say anything for a minute.
“Well?” asked Elodie.
“I’ll try to do better,” Kadian said. “I can’t promise I’ll get there in a day.” She thought talking to you would be easier if you cared about things I had to say.
Elodie’s face cleared of the storm clouds. “I need you to get better as fast as you can. I wonder and worry about you every minute you don’t talk to me.”
“Okay,” said Kadian, even though every fiber of her being screamed not okay.
“I love you so much,” said Elodie, bringing their heads together. “I love you more than anything.”
“I love you too,” responded Kadian automatically, but as Elodie kissed her she thought Do I?
Anger
“I wasn’t sure what to say to you.” Elodie looked at the floor, at the ceiling, anywhere to avoid looking at Kadian.
“Just say something,” said Kadian as she shifted her position on the floor. “I came here so you could.” She didn’t say I came here because I want an end to this, and I don’t care if I never talk to you again.
Ceiling. Floor. Ceiling. Floor. Tears started to well up in Elodie’s eyes. Kadian knew she was supposed to feel bad, but she didn’t. All she felt was an overwhelming desire to get out of this suffocating room and get on with her life.
“Why did you do it?” Elodie’s voice was mushy with tears.
"Do what? Break up with you?” Kadian spoke carefully, so carefully. Like Elodie was an animal that might attack at any moment. “There were just a lot of things going on. I had to focus on me.” She didn’t say, I’ve spent half my life caring more about other people than I cared about myself, and it’s time for that to stop.
Elodie’s tears fell faster.
Kadian sighed. A tiny sound. “I did it because it was too hard. This. Everything.”
She didn’t say, I can’t bear another minute of sitting silently while you tell me how terrible and awful the world is. I can’t bear another day of you getting upset at me because you thought I wasn’t listening carefully enough. How do you think I feel, week after week of lifting you up, pulling you through the darkness? I’m falling into the dark right alongside you now, because you don’t care enough about me to ask me how I’m doing, and I can’t let that happen to me.
“It’s not hard if you care,” said Elodie.
“The reason I fucking broke up with you is because I care,” said Kadian, the unfamiliar curse souring her tongue and darkening her eyes. “I care about you a lot. But I care about me more, and we’re just too different for this to have worked out.”
“I hate you,” said Elodie, and the tears turned into a waterfall. “I hate you more than anything. I thought you were magical, but it turned out you don’t even have a heart.”
“That’s not true,” Kadian said. “I’m not magical and I never was. It’s probably time you realized that.”
“I want to die,” said Elodie. “This is all your fault.”
Kadian thought This is manipulation, and said “I’m sorry.”
“Just go,” said Elodie. “Please just leave.”
“Fine.” Kadian got up from the floor. “Okay,” she said, before she left the room and all the pieces of her heart she’d planted there.
Silence stretched like a rubber band, perilously close to snapping. Elodie hoped she wouldn’t get hurt.
“God, this is so awkward.” Elodie looked at the carpet, at the ceiling, anywhere to avoid looking at the other girl. (Kadian getting up, politely saying she has to do something else, be anywhere else but this silent place.)
“Shush,” said Kadian, who was lying on her back, head propped up by a stuffed animal. “I’m trying to think of a good, open-ended question to ask you.”
“God, sorry, okay.” Elodie grimaced at her, but she didn’t notice.
Silence drifted over them again, less awkward this time. Kadian watched the ceiling and Elodie watched Kadian. She was very, very cute. (Kadian and Elodie on their first date, watching a movie, holding hands, a kiss in the darkness.)
“Okay, here’s one.” Kadian didn’t seem to have any fear of breaking silences. “What kinds of things make you happy?”
“That’s a dumb question.” Elodie laughed a weird, harsh kind of laugh and immediately regretted it. (Kadian frowning, eyes narrowing, getting up, saying she has better things to do than be here with someone who thinks she’s dumb.)
“No it’s not.” Kadian seemed undeterred. “Not big things that make you happy, just little things. Like me, I like hot air balloons and stars. And sunny weather and being warm.”
Elodie felt like her heart had just grown three sizes. “Oh my God, you’re adorable.” (Kadian and Elodie on their not-first date, kissing and kissing and kissing…)
“Not really.” Kadian’s ears were a lot redder than they had been a minute ago. “Name some stuff!”
“Right, okay.” Elodie racked her brain for happy things, but it was so hard to find them. (Kadian leaving, telling me we’re too different after all, this could never have worked.)
After a minute, Kadian laughed. “Do you really hate everything that much?”
“Yes.” It was only half a joke.
“There must be something.”
Something. Anything. Anything to make this girl happy. “I like, uh, dreary weather. I hate sunny weather.”
“Hey now. We’re keeping it positive.” Elodie could hear the smile in Kadian’s voice. “I like dreary weather, too, though!”
And then she saw the smile when Kadian turned to meet her eyes, and it was bright enough to shake the foundations of Elodie’s hatred of the sun.
“I also like abandoned places,” said Elodie, inspired by the smile, “and scary movies, and witchcraft. That’s probably weird. But it’s true.”
“You’re like—” Kadian paused. “You’re like a fairytale character.”
“Oh no,” said Elodie, thinking of princesses and glass slippers, “which one?”
“No,” said Kadian, “you’re like your own fairytale character. One that doesn’t exist yet, out of a creepy story about fairies and magic.”
“Oh,” said Elodie, and just like that, her heart was no longer her own. “I think that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me,” she managed, once she remembered how to speak. (Kadian and I, walking hand in hand, everyone wondering how such a perfect and beautiful girl could love someone like me, but it’s true, she chose me and she loves me more than anything in the world.)
Bargaining
“I love you more than anything in the world,” said Elodie, the darkness a handy cover for emotion.
Silence.
“That’s a lie,” said Kadian sleepily. “You definitely love cats more than you love me.”
Elodie was startled into laughter. “Fine,” she said, “I love you more than a lot of things in the world.” She snuggled closer to the other girl.
A pause.
“Do you love me?” asked Elodie.
“Of course,” said Kadian. “Of course I do.”
(Kadian and Elodie, in love. They’ll be in love forever because that’s how it works when a magical girl comes from out of nowhere, filled with happiness and light. We’ll live happily ever after, like the fairytales we are.)
“We should go on a date,” Elodie said.
“This doesn’t count?”
“No, a real date. Where we go somewhere fun together. And have fun.”
“Sounds like a plan,” Kadian laughed. “What’s your ideal date?”
“We’d go to the movies. And then to bed.”
“That’s boring,” said Kadian.
“I’d make it not boring,” Elodie said, seductively wiggling her eyebrows up and down, as if Kadian could tell in the darkness.
“Gross.”
“What a weirdo.” Elodie laughed.
“If anyone’s the weird one here, it’s you.” Kadian poked Elodie in the side. “Now go to sleep. We have work in the morning.”
(Kadian and Elodie, going on a date. Holding hands, kissing. Later, other things. They’re in love. They’re in love. They’re in love.)
Kadian’s breathing grew even and slow. Elodie pressed herself close.
“Don’t ever leave me,” said Elodie. “I think I would die.”
Depression
“Hey,” said Elodie. “You haven’t talked to me in a couple days.”
“Sorry,” said Kadian, who meant to sound sorrier than the word came out, but now there was no help for it. “I’ve been sort of busy.”
“Right.” Elodie nodded.
Kadian watched her face grow dark, like the other girl was upset at her for having a life outside the relationship. “I really am sorry,” Kadian reached out a hand. “But I can only say it three times max without sounding like a broken record.”
“I just don’t feel like you’re taking this as seriously as I am.”
Kadian narrowed her eyes, recalling the hours she’d spent talking to Elodie about her problems, consoling Elodie when she was sad, putting Elodie in front of herself. “Hmm,” she said, but thought Maybe I’m taking this too seriously.
“I can’t go for days without hearing from you,” said Elodie, her face a mask of anger and despair. “I love you too much.”
“Okay,” Kadian said, but thought I want to be able to not talk to you. You shouldn’t wonder whether or not I still love you.
“What are you going to do to make up for it?” Elodie asked, and Kadian bristled.
“I’ve already apologized.”
“Well, I don’t feel like that really mends the problem.”
Kadian didn’t say anything for a minute.
“Well?” asked Elodie.
“I’ll try to do better,” Kadian said. “I can’t promise I’ll get there in a day.” She thought talking to you would be easier if you cared about things I had to say.
Elodie’s face cleared of the storm clouds. “I need you to get better as fast as you can. I wonder and worry about you every minute you don’t talk to me.”
“Okay,” said Kadian, even though every fiber of her being screamed not okay.
“I love you so much,” said Elodie, bringing their heads together. “I love you more than anything.”
“I love you too,” responded Kadian automatically, but as Elodie kissed her she thought Do I?
Anger
“I wasn’t sure what to say to you.” Elodie looked at the floor, at the ceiling, anywhere to avoid looking at Kadian.
“Just say something,” said Kadian as she shifted her position on the floor. “I came here so you could.” She didn’t say I came here because I want an end to this, and I don’t care if I never talk to you again.
Ceiling. Floor. Ceiling. Floor. Tears started to well up in Elodie’s eyes. Kadian knew she was supposed to feel bad, but she didn’t. All she felt was an overwhelming desire to get out of this suffocating room and get on with her life.
“Why did you do it?” Elodie’s voice was mushy with tears.
"Do what? Break up with you?” Kadian spoke carefully, so carefully. Like Elodie was an animal that might attack at any moment. “There were just a lot of things going on. I had to focus on me.” She didn’t say, I’ve spent half my life caring more about other people than I cared about myself, and it’s time for that to stop.
Elodie’s tears fell faster.
Kadian sighed. A tiny sound. “I did it because it was too hard. This. Everything.”
She didn’t say, I can’t bear another minute of sitting silently while you tell me how terrible and awful the world is. I can’t bear another day of you getting upset at me because you thought I wasn’t listening carefully enough. How do you think I feel, week after week of lifting you up, pulling you through the darkness? I’m falling into the dark right alongside you now, because you don’t care enough about me to ask me how I’m doing, and I can’t let that happen to me.
“It’s not hard if you care,” said Elodie.
“The reason I fucking broke up with you is because I care,” said Kadian, the unfamiliar curse souring her tongue and darkening her eyes. “I care about you a lot. But I care about me more, and we’re just too different for this to have worked out.”
“I hate you,” said Elodie, and the tears turned into a waterfall. “I hate you more than anything. I thought you were magical, but it turned out you don’t even have a heart.”
“That’s not true,” Kadian said. “I’m not magical and I never was. It’s probably time you realized that.”
“I want to die,” said Elodie. “This is all your fault.”
Kadian thought This is manipulation, and said “I’m sorry.”
“Just go,” said Elodie. “Please just leave.”
“Fine.” Kadian got up from the floor. “Okay,” she said, before she left the room and all the pieces of her heart she’d planted there.